


and you are my only

by makuroshi



Series: Rinharu Birthday Fics [2]
Category: Free!
Genre: Birthday, Fluff, Future Fic, I guess it's kinda cheesy too, M/M, OTP Feels, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4196787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makuroshi/pseuds/makuroshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By now, you can hardly remember how life was like before Nanase Haruka. Yet no matter how many years have passed, every single time you look at him, you still can’t believe how lucky you are.</p><p>This is everything you’ve ever wanted, and more.<br/>(Written for Haru's Birthday Bash 2015!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	and you are my only

love is less always than to win  
less never than alive  
less bigger than the least begin  
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly  
and more it cannot die  
than all the sky which only  
is higher than the sky

—E. E. Cummings, “love is more thicker than forget”

~oOo~

 

Nanase Haruka, you think, is like that brightest star in the far corner of the sky that you saw with your dad when you were six, lying on the freshly cut grass of the open field, the sea’s salty breeze blowing gently against your skin.

 

“Dad, do you know its name?” You recall yourself asking as you point at the blinking star outshining the others. It’s kind of selfish, how it overpowered everyone else so effortlessly, but at the same time you couldn't feel anything but awe while staring at it. _“It’s Sirius_ ,” your dad had said, in a warm, loving voice you can now no longer remember, with a kind smile you’ve already forgotten. _“It means ‘glowing’ in Greek.”_

It’s only reasonable that your dad would be so knowledgeable on stars and constellations, he is after all a fisherman; the sky was his compass. You admired him for that, for being able to answer every single question you’ve asked –no matter how silly- but at the same time, you felt almost betrayed. He left without saying goodbye. Went out on that cold, stormy night even when Mom told him not to, and never came back.

 

You hated him for that. It was an accident, yes, you were old enough to understand that much, but you still hated how your world turned to black, how your life came crashing down at such a tender age. You lost all sense and purpose, but then--

 

 

Haruka comes into the picture.

 

Every time you close your eyes, you can still see it. The beautiful sight that took your breath away, the brilliant light that dashed past you in the last quarter of the 100meter race, pumping adrenaline throughout your body in pulsations so powerful they shook you to the core. It was an unprecedented feeling, an experience so otherworldly, you couldn’t help but wonder just who was the boy racing in the lane next to you. And when you looked up to see him, you froze.

His eyes were blue -the clearest shade you’ve ever seen. You turn to the scoreboard, his name flashing in neon yellow on top of yours.

 

_(Nanase Haruka –NEW GR)_

 

And just like that, your world changed.

~oOo~

 

Haruka and the Sirius are very much alike in the sense that both are amazingly bright and capable of mesmerising people, but they remain so painfully distant. Or in Haruka’s case, barely even approachable. It’s downright frustrating, how he dissociated himself from you regardless of how hard you tried to get closer. With every advancement you made, Haru retreated all the same, and boom, you’re back at square one.

 

In true Matsuoka spirit, of course, you never stopped trying.

 

The memories are fragmented at some points, but you can still remember the way your vision seemed to gravitate towards his eyes, the same two orbs of ocean trapped in glass that captured your heart the first time you saw them. Haru did not look at you in the eye that often -almost always preferring the wall, the ground or any other surface convenient at that time- but in the rarest moments that he did, you loved watching your reflection in his eyes. There’s just something about it that set the romantic heart in you aflutter, like a garden of crimson roses blooming in season, waiting for the butterflies to come.

 

Truth is, Haru was never meant to become anything more than a hurdle to pass, a benchmark to reach, an evidence that your late father’s Olympic dream was still something you can carry, because you believed with all your naïve heart that if you can beat Haru, you can beat the rest. No one had ever shown you the same sight he did a year ago, and so you believed that in swimming, Haru’s simply the best.

 

(You still do.)

 

But somewhere along the way, Haru became more than just that. Nanase Haruka, in your life, had become _this, this_ and _that_ ; your axis, your strength, your anchor, your hope.

 

Your courage.

Your weakness.

Your everything.

 

You cried when you said goodbye after the first and last relay, but little did you know that when you’re left all alone in the faraway foreign land, you’ll cry a whole lot more, and for a whole different reason.

~oOo~

 

You sometimes find yourself sitting back, thinking of the hurtful things you have said in the midst of inexplicable anger at Haru, and come to realise that he didn’t deserve any of them. He wasn’t to be blamed for the internal struggle that you’re going through, this much you are aware of. But seeing Haru –the gifted and brilliant child prodigy- so unmotivated, indifferent and cold, made something hiding deep inside you snap.

Haru has the natural talent you wished you had. He was destined for something more, something _bigger_ than a mere casual soak in the tub or a lap or two in the training pool. He was born a champion, a Child of Water itself, yet you came back from Australia only to see him reduce himself to an ordinary Japanese high school boy who eats grilled mackerel and toast for breakfast.

Still, none of that warranted the icy sharp words you hurled at him in despise. You were overtaken by envy and disappointment. Envy at Haru, disappointment in yourself.

 

The moment you saw the lights dimmed out from his once gleaming azure eyes, you knew that you’ve fucked up real bad.

 

( _Words can’t be taken back, Rin_ , your mind echoes.)

 

You can only hope, but is there still room for forgiveness from Haru, when you have not even forgiven yourself?

~oOo~

 

Haru’s skin is warm under your touch. You would’ve laughed and teased him that ‘the icy prince has finally melted’ if not for the fact that you are no longer the cheerful, lighthearted Rin you once were. Now _you_ are the cold one, perpetual frown the only expression you can make. Oh how the tables have turned. But one thing hasn’t changed, and that is your tendency to shed tears at every appropriate moment possible. And this? Surely this is more than appropriate, isn’t it?

 

You cling desperately to him as you whisper “I’m sorry”, desperation, guilt and dreadful longing all jam-packed into one single sentence.

 

You hold your breath and wait for a reply. The silence that follows is pure agony, but when his long, gentle fingers slowly cups your face and lifts your head from his shoulder, you stare into his deep blue eyes that you’ve come to miss, _so so much._

He doesn’t say anything, only offers a smile, weak and subtle –typical of Haruka- and you instantly crumble, breaking into a thousand little pieces.

 

Haru kisses you on the lips and glues it all back together.

~oOo~

For most people, falling in love is already a challenge. Falling in love with Haru, however, is really something else.

 

Haru normally shows as much emotions as an empty piece of paper with a few scribbles here and there. His pokerface and blank stares are absolute nightmares to deal with, especially for someone as loud and brazen as you. Attempting to illicit a reaction from him becomes a daily quest for you, kind of like the Sudoku puzzles that Rei (or as you still jokingly refer to as Speedo Glasses) takes so much joy in doing, except with more fun and frustration combined.

You remember going on dates with him, sometimes at the beach, once at the theme park, a few at that lovely local café, and the number of times Haru actually blushed, stuttered or initiated _anything_ could be counted on fingers. Contrarily, you are an utter _wreck_ , a messy blob of palpitations, sweaty hands and flushing face, so much so that you wonder how on Earth have you not collapsed from a heart attack. That one time Haru grabbed your neck and pulled you in for a quick kiss on the quiet road, you almost freaking _died_.

But then again, in instances when Haru’s mask drops and you begin to see the tiniest hints of his feelings, you know that he cares about you, a lot. Maybe as much as you care for him, perhaps even more. He thinks you haven’t noticed, but you have seen him look at you with _something_ in his beautiful, beautiful eyes. Something that you know if put to words, would make you weep in happiness.

 

(Haru said it to you on your first night together, a softly whispered “I love you” partially muffled by the press of your own lips on his, blistering summer heat engulfing your intertwined bodies in a comforting cocoon, and though it’s rather difficult to admit, you did bawl unattractively onto his chest afterwards, dripping snot and all. He didn’t seem to mind much.)

~oOo~

 

By now, you have known the contours of Haru’s body –his sensitive spots, his birthmarks and freckles- better than your own, have grown accustomed to the way Haru’s elbow digs into your side when he’s too deep in his sleep, the way he wraps his arm tighter around your body and pulls you close when the air gives a biting chill. You’ve been an item long enough for you become aware that he likes to brush his teeth _before_ shaving or washing his face, that his favourite shampoo is the lavender and vanilla that you both now share and that he -despite all of your attempts at advocating healthy eating- still prefers having mackerel and toast for breakfast. And above all, you have won so many tournaments together –including the Summer Olympics 2020 & 2024- that you've noticed Haru always clutching onto his gold medals hard enough for them to leave imprints on his palm, possibly a method of him convincing himself that _‘this is real, this is happening’._

 

By now, you can hardly remember how life was like before Nanase Haruka.

 

Yet no matter how many years have passed, every single time you look at him, you still can’t believe how lucky you are.

  
This is everything you’ve ever wanted, and more.

~oOo~

 

As the days are crossed off the calendar one by one, you realise that it’s almost July already. And before July comes a very special occasion.

 

Haruka’s birthday.

 

They planned a not-so surprise party for your birthday earlier this year, Haru, Niji and the little brat Sakura. The cake was heavenly without doubt, not too sweet, perfectly catered to your preference. As expected of the famous _pâtissier (who is also, 'coincidentally', your beloved husband)_. But you are obviously nowhere near the level of skills that Haru has. For the safety of your house and family, you’ll opt for a custom-made cake that will not involve any oven explosion or flour fight in the kitchen. The kids will understand, you think, heck, maybe _they_ will be the ones begging in fear for you not to touch the oven, considering the trauma they had when you burnt a chicken pie and forced the whole apartment to evacuate the last time you tried.

Okay, so you’ll stick to cooking steak for Haru’s birthday dinner, or something. And opening the bottle of celebratory champagne; that you can do.

You flip the pages of the calendar to November, and see another dark red circled onto one of the dates. It reads _‘10 th Anniversary! _❤ _’_ , with little scribbles of crooked and deformed-looking flowers framing it, doodled by your darling children. Just the sight of it is more than enough to make your heart swell with adoration, and putting the calendar aside, you carry on planning Haru’s birthday celebration.

 

It’s going to be a blast, you’ll make sure of it.

~oOo~

 

You glance at the clock, 10.50P.M., then back to the dinner for two all laid out on the table. After what feels like an hour later, you look at the time again and lets out a long, suffering sigh.

 

11.01P.M.

 

Haru is late.

 

In less than one hour, the clock will strike 12. By then, your grand plan would’ve turned to dust.

You wanted to have a small, private celebration, just the two of you, before the big party tomorrow. Sakura, though unwilling at first, finally relented after being coaxed by his big brother and agreed to spend the night at Makoto’s place. To your relief, Makoto invited Rei and the others to his house as well, putting your worries of your children’s wellbeing at ease (though Nagisa is still, despite the age, a naughty kid at heart.)

The thing is, dinner can be reheated once Haru comes home, the cake is safe and sound in the refrigerator, but the midnight ‘Happy Birthday’ kiss won’t be happening if Haru doesn’t return anytime soon. And to think that you were _so_ looking forward to it too. It is, after all, the best part, besides the present you've prepared in the bedroom.

Time passes by without you noticing, and you’ve already drifted off to slumberland when the door clicks open and shuffling sounds begin to filter into the room.

“I’m home.” You hear Haru call out in his usual monotonous, calm tone. Though still groggy from sleep, you notice that he’s being extra quiet, clearly not expecting anyone to still be awake at this time… wait, what time is it again?

11.45P.M. Still some hope for that midnight kiss then.

 

“Rin?” You hear Haru say, clearly confused. You feign sleep, waiting for the moment he approaches you with his small strides and—

 

“Surprise!”

 

Jolting up straight without warning, you yell loudly, effectively shocking Haru who was about to rest a hand on your shoulder to wake you. Unfortunately, the shock was a bit too much as it sends him jumping a good few meters from the ground. The sound of plastic and boxes hitting the floor startles you as well, and you turn to see what it was.

 

It was a bag filled with cupcakes. _Haru_ ’s cupcakes.

 

“Oops… sorry?”

~oOo~

It turns out that Haru was held up at work due to some fussy customers demanding a last-minute change in their order. The cupcakes were leftovers from the supposedly ‘wrong orders’, and Haru brought them back for Niji and Sakura, who were avid sugar lovers unlike their Daddy. You feel bad for indirectly causing the drop earlier, but… it’s not _that_ destroyed right? Hideous or not, the kids will still love their Papa’s baked goods anyway.

You expect Haru will be angry for a while, but somehow you manage to coax him into having the romantic dinner by the candlelight with you, after sharing that 12AM kiss.

It’s been so long since the last time you two have had your moment together, outside of the bedroom. _That’s parenting for you,_ you smile fondly as the thought crosses your mind.

You look up from the food and stare at Haruka. Having long ago ditched the long bangs, his current shorter hairstyle look amazing on him, and now that you’re concentrating, you notice that he has very fine crinkles at the corner of his astounding blue eyes, certainly from all those little chuckles he let loose when he’s playing with your sons.

 

Your sons. Your perfect little family. _God_ , you still can’t believe it sometimes.

 

Sliding your right hand across the table, you sneakily grab a hold of Haru’s left when he's in between his bites, feeling the cold metal on his ring finger brush against your palm. Haru frowns at you, making a clearly dissatisfied face at you for interrupting his meal, but you know better. Carefully, like it’s a delicate piece of glassware, you run your thumb along his ring and turn the identical one on your own left hand, and surges of feelings wash over you in overwhelming waves of emotions. So much love for this man in front of you. _So much love_ , and thankfulness.

Swallowing the lump forming in your throat, you stand up and walks over to Haru’s side, bowing a little, his hand still within your grasp. “May I have this dance?” You ask awkwardly, trying your hardest to smile even when the welling tears are starting to fall. Haruka’s startled expression slowly morphs into one of deep affection as he leaves his seat and tightens the grip of your clasped hands.

“I’d love to.”

The moonlight illuminates the room from the open windows, further adding to the romantic ambience. You dance in tandem to the sound of each other’s breaths, to the faint hums of the song they played at your wedding years ago, and you kiss like his taste is an addiction you can never be cured of, like you are eighteen again, young and _in love_.

Haru turns a year older today. Will you still be together to celebrate the next? And the ones after that? Who knows, but you wish that you can be there for him till the end.

 

The future is an uncertain mystery, but this, you think, is probably what living the moment feels like.

~oOo~

 

Sometimes you gaze out of the window at night and see Sirius in the dark sky, glinting brightly with its captivating ephemeral beauty. Sometimes you are woken by the soft sounds of Haru’s breathing, the rhythmical tempo of his beating heart – _thumpthumpthump-_ lined up next to yours as he sleeps, his hands intertwined with yours under the cozy duvet, and smile to yourself.

 

 _“The light that we see from the stars are actually from a long, long time ago,”_ you remember your late father said. _“Sadly, the stars are most probably dead by now.”_

 

That’s what makes Nanase Haruka different from the brightest star in the sky.

 

Haruka is alive.

You are alive.

 

And for as long as your heart beats, Haruka will always be your one and only Shining.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Raise your hand if you like the Matsuoka-Nanase family! :P TI just had to put the lovechildren in. This fic is a companion piece to 'and you take my breath away', which was written for Rin's birthday. Hope the stories tied in nicely together ^^
> 
> Kudos/comments are really appreciated! ♥ Also on Tumblr~


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